Poems
Even though the house is deeply silent
and the room, with no moon,
is perfectly dark,
even though the body is a sack of exhaustion
inert on the bed,
someone inside me will not
get off his tricycle,
will not stop tracing the same tight circle
on the same green threadbare carpet.
It makes no difference whether I lie
staring at the ceiling
or pace the living-room floor,
he keeps on making his furious rounds,
little pedaler in his frenzy,
my own worst enemy, my oldest friend.
An excerpt from: “Insomnia” By Billy Collins
After many sleepless nights, I am finally rested and ready to tiptoe back into the blogosphere.
“Been away so long I hardly knew the place…Gee it’s good to be back home….”
One of the reasons I haven’t been posting is inertia. Once you stop anything it can be difficult to start up again. Conversely, once you start something it can be hard to stop….
Plus, I grew weary of talking about, thinking about, writing about, reading about…Drugs, Moods, Cycles…….
I felt stuck. The best part of writing for me was connecting with people, of knowing that, just by the virtue of sharing my experience, others felt validated, and in turn, validated me.
So, I’m still drug free. Still have my ups and downs, my good days and my bad. I will confess to having moments when I want to reach for the phone and call Dr. X to request (demand, plead…) a prescription for something, anything that might eliminate the ups and downs. But then I watch television for a few minutes and I am reminded, by the inundation of pharmaceutical company commercials, that more often than not, the side effects are worse than the disease.
One thing that just occurred to me, literally as I was writing this (another reason to keep at it) is that, subconsciously, knowing that I had sworn off drugs forever, I began to accept how I am. What I mean by that is, knowing that there would never be some “quick-fix,” or any fix for that matter, I got better at managing my moods myself. You see, I think if you hold out hope for some “cure,” you never become adept at living with, or managing whatever it is that you have. If you fall off a boat in the middle of a body of water and no one else is around to save you; you’d better learn to swim. You may not like it, you may swallow a lot of water, but if you survive, you know that you did it yourself. And you realize that no matter what happens, no matter how difficult things are, you can get through it. And you’ll be stronger and more resilient because of it.
So, what does this all mean? For one thing, it speaks to the dichotomy of life, the yin & the yang, the Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde of it all. The bipolarness of life in general, for everyone. I hope that you will join me on this new, expanded journey, this new format of looking at LIFE as bipolar, not just the disease. That you will offer up your questions, suggestions, your experiences, (your rants if that’s what’s going on for you at the moment), and occasionally a shoulder to cry on. And I promise to do the same for you.
Be well, Marco
Marco, i discovered your blog through Kieth Sawyer’s blog and i must say it has helped me tremendously.
i was diagnosed Bi Polar-NOS last summer after my second admission to a mental ward in two years and am still coming to grips with the “diagnosis”.(i still want to believe I’m NOT Bi Polar, but was going through severe drug withdrawls, but hindsight into my pre-drug abuse days(childhood/adolesence) proved to be too eye opening…alas.
There was one thing in one post where you said that thinking and writing about bi polar might mire you in negative thoughts(im paraphrasing) had me thinking, that is what i have been doing for months and im still not sure it is helping me “accept” the diagnosis or hindering me in “moving on” with my life. as a musician/songwriter, it has certainly added to the muse and desire to write about my plight as that is where i get the most benefit in expressing the disease, but in my personal life, i have been stunted it seems in a case of the “poor me’s and boo hoo’s”….alas,again!
I do not want to stop creating and striving for the muse, but i do not want to always be down on myself for being a screwed-up, mental case, musician either. obviously i have less than a year of thereapy and i hope this gets better, but i just wanted to drop a line and say “thank you, thank you,thank you for your candor” and once i get a better handle on MY disorder, i can help others like you’ve helped me already…
Peace, Love and Good Happiness Stuff…
Brandon
Brandon,
Thank you so much for your comments.
I will respond in more detail soon, but I just wanted to acknowledge your remarks.
I haven’t been really working on the blog lately and haven’t been monitoring the comments, so I’m a little late in getting back to you.
In addition to taking a break from focusing on it, I also felt that it (the blog) didn’t have much value for anyone other than me.
And you just proved that theory wrong.
If sharing my struggles with mental health affects even one person positively, than my struggle has been worth it.
Thank you for reading and for reaching out.
You have my e-mail address now if you ever want to discuss anything in more detail.
Just remember: It’s a blessing and a curse.
You can’t get rid of it, so you have to learn to accommodate it.
I have my good days and my bad. The thing I’ve learned is to stop feeling guilty about the days and times when I’m not productive because of the disease, and then try to be more productive when I’m in a better space.
And use it ALL. You may just find that some of your best work comes out of your darkest moments.
Be well, Marco
It’s good to have you back Marco, I look forward to reading your posts
Thank you for that.
Be well, Marco