Commencement or Conclusion?

 

 

“If you’re automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won’t consider possibilities that aren’t annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.” David Foster Wallace 

I’m a bit confused today.  Befuddled.  Perplexed. 

I settled down on the living room sofa this morning, dog on my right, coffee cup on my left, New York Times on my lap.  I read the Arts & Leisure section first, then Style, then Travel, and so on, as always, saving the Book Review for last. 

The scenario is the same every Sunday.  I read about Broadway openings I wish weren’t three thousand miles away.  I learn how to get by in Madrid on $1,000 a day.  And I discover another book or two that I want to, but never will have time to read. 

But today the Book Review ended with an essay by Tom Bissell, “Great and Terrible Truths,” about the 2005 Kenyon Commencement Address by David Foster Wallace.

This led me to the full transcript on Marginalia, which included the above quote. 

It seems strange to think that someone so gifted, so (relatively) young, and so capable of understanding the power of the mind, could take his own life. 

David Foster Wallace hanged himself on September 12, 2008.  And, if only to prove his point, “There is no experience you’ve had that you were not at the absolute center of,” the day that I read the report of his death I remember thinking, if Wallace, a successful and admired writer can succumb, what hope is there for me? 

I hate to admit that I had a similar thought this morning as I read his words about being able to train your mind to experience the world differently.  How could he speak with such conviction about the ability of the mind to rise above the circumstances and still put a noose around his neck?  How can I? 

But in fact, I do understand.  I do experience the dichotomy.  I do believe that I have the power to overcome my demons, but only during those moments when my demons have taken a brief respite. 

They’ll be back.  Both are real, the belief that I can be “master of my own domain,” and the fact that I am at the mercy of a mind compromised by genetics and further damaged by parents unable to nurture. 

The scariest thing is the conviction with which my mind can hold both thoughts.  I can conquer the world.  All is hopeless. 

Normally a quote like Mr. Wallace’s would refresh me, remind me of my strength, lift me up, if only momentarily—just long enough.  But today they are an eerie reminder that we are all standing on shaky ground.

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