“Many people today are infatuated with the biological determinants of things. They find compelling the idea that moods, tastes, preferences, and behaviors can be explained by genes, or by natural selection, or by brain amines (even though these explanations are almost always circular: if we do x, it must be because we have been selected to do x). People like to be able to say, I’m just an organism, and my depression is just a chemical thing, so, of the three ways of considering my condition, I choose the biological. People do say this. The question to ask them is, Who is the “I” that is making this choice? Is that your biology talking, too?” The New Yorker, March 1, 2010: HEAD CASE: Can psychiatry be a science? by Louis Menand
I seem to have been in a downward spiral for the past few months. Thus the lack of postings. Miss me?
I can blame it on a lot of things. The weather. The news. The economy. Dick Cheney. The fact that I am forced to deal with bad brain chemistry without the aid of medication.
But whatever the cause, my depression, and the cause du jour, is not a CHOICE.
Yes, the pharmaceutical companies have gone astray and led their Mercedes Benz—home in the Hamptons—trips to Paris aspiring doctors along with them.
I don’t have a problem with people taking Paxil for shyness, Xanax for anxiety, or Wellbutrin for weight loss. But I do have a problem with people assuming that whatever it is that I take (used to take, actually) is a cop-out.
“The decision to handle mental conditions biologically is as moral a decision as any other. It is a time-honored one, too. Human beings have always tried to cure psychological disorders through the body. In the Hippocratic tradition, melancholics were advised to drink white wine, in order to counteract the black bile. (This remains an option.) Some people feel an instinctive aversion to treating psychological states with pills, but no one would think it inappropriate to advise a depressed or anxious person to try exercise or meditation.”
For the record, there are those of us who are treatment resistant. But even if you’re not, why would anyone assume that you would choose to take a prescription medication if you didn’t have to?
Yes, we have entered the age of pharmaceutical advertising (TV, magazines, billboards) in which even the most obscure diseases and disorders are woven into our subconscious minds. Come to think of it, my legs do tingle from time to time—maybe I should be taking something for restless leg syndrome. I’ve also noticed I’ve been a little gassy lately—I’ll just bet I’ve got me a mild case of GERD. And even though I’ve no idea what Fibromyalgia or COPD are, according to recent commercials I have a number of symptoms for both, so…yeah, I’m going to self-diagnose (since that’s what those advertisements seem to be about anyway, and it doesn’t seem all that risky when you consider that “…psychiatrists reached the same diagnosis only twenty per cent of the time…”) and demand my doctor prescribe an assortment of pills and caplets for me to ingest that may or may not work, but that will certainly cause dizziness, nausea, constipation, tremors, dry mouth, blurred vision, weight gain, diminished libido (which in all fairness, may be attributable to the weight gain) and suicidal thoughts. Yeah, give me some of that.
Exercise? Diet? Meditation? All good options. IF you can drag your sorry ass out of bed.
We seem to be living in a very strange time (but then, when haven’t we?). Scientists discovered (in many cases, accidentally) that some drugs had a positive effect, on certain psychological disorders, in a few people, under certain circumstances. And, this being America, land of opportunity and quick fixes, we of course decided to take it one step further. Why feel good when you can feel great? My girlfriend just dumped me—give me a pill. My stock portfolio is in the toilet—better take a capsule. My favorite sitcom just got canceled—better up my dosage.
You know what, that’s what cocaine is for, not Prozac. And quite frankly, cocaine (the few times I consumed it years ago) did more for me than Abilify, Prozac, Zoloft and all of the others combined. WITHOUT impinging on my libido.
For those of you who are suffering from symptoms that are far more profound and harder to treat, and find any kind of relief at all in pharmaceuticals, I am truly happy for you. Whatever relieves you from some of the horrible effects and consequences of depression or bipolar disorder, ADHD or OCD, go for it. And I promise you, even though it’s not for me, I won’t be one of those people standing on the side-lines accusing you of copping out.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone misses me when I go off the grid due to a depressive bipolar state. You are so right about diet and exercise – they work great, if you can get out of bed. I lost a whole week last week and only my mom noticed and that was distressing.
I’m very appreciative of your blog – it’s so helpful to know we’re not alone.
Welcome back 🙂
Nielle, Thanks for the kind words.
I know what you mean. I wouldn’t take it personally though.
I know that I’m not very good at reaching out to the people around me, but that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about them, that I don’t care about them.
The dangerous part is if you withdraw even further because you feel slighted. (I should talk…I’m notorious for that.)
So it means a lot to me that you took the time to read my words and to comment.
Be well, Marco
hello, there. you’re singing my song. i’ve been accused of copping out for not choosing pills. but after a youth spent trying to self-medicate (although i didn’t know that was what i was doing) i’d rather it just be me and my brain chemistry, figuring it out. at least i don’t have to wonder what symptom or obsessive thought cycle is the pill and what is just me. it’s all just me.
i just found you, but i think if i had found you earlier, i certainly would have missed you. welcome back.
oh, and i LOVE Calvin and Hobbes.
Hi,
Thanks for stopping by and for leaving a comment. I haven’t been posting very much lately, or at all.
But I hope to get back to it very soon. While it’s been a nice break from focusing on my psyche, I do miss the interaction and the sense of community that the posts give me.
I still have my good days and my bad (which unfortunately outweigh the good) but still happy to be off the meds.
And, yes, I think it’s better to try to deal with your stuff (if you can) than try to cover it up with pharmaceuticals.
At least now I KNOW what I’m dealing with. On drugs, it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s a side effect.
Be well, Marco
no benzos are things like Klonopin, Ativan, and Xanax…
but the drugs you mention are soul killers as well as killing people with metabolic problems and also hellish to come off of…
benzos as a class seems to be the worst to come off though..
but anyone can have a nightmare with any drug so comparisons are only generalities…they are all nasty and addictive and dangerous to be on and come off of
bottom line insurance is realy needed to cover all this stuff and feel better, you can try http://www.health-insurance-buyer.com they cover all this
How do you take the first step, be it pills, or therapy, or a new way of life..how do find the energy to make the phonecall when you can’t get out of bed.
I am feeling so resigned – if I could just flip a switch and will myself out of existence, this would be so much easier. I don’t have it in me to find yet another therapist, yet another psychiatrist, yet another in-patient clinic that my medical will cover..all far too much effort when i can’t even bathe and dress myself. I am so uncomfortable in my own, body, in my own mind, i would do anything to be rid of it.
I really don’t know how to help myself, every day just feels so much worse than the last.
Maja,
I am sorry that you are in such a bad state. I feel your pain, as I’ve known that despair myself.
There is no one easy answer, no quick fix. Here is the best advice I can offer:
Don’t give up. It will pass. Granted it will come back, but it will pass again. Everyone has some kind of challenge to deal with, and depression is ours. We can give up or accept it; those are the only two choices. (Drugs and therapy are temporary solutions).
As I said before, wallow in it. For a while. Then get on with life. You suffer from something terrible and you’re allowed to feel sorry for yourself once in a while.
If there is anything at all that has the potential to cheer you up or take your mind off of things (music, art, writing) try doing that for a bit. A good piece of music can sometimes do it for me. Pushing play on your CD player or iPod doesn’t take a lot of energy and sometimes that can help.
Don’t give a damn. I think a lot of times our depression is a result of caring what other people think and from comparing ourselves to others. And we beat ourselves up for doing things or not doing things. If I can sound Buddhist for a second, where you are in life is exactly where you’re supposed to be. It’s wanting to have more or to be different than who we are that causes us a lot of pain.
And here comes the “tough love” part. Sometimes you just have to do things that you don’t want to in life. We all have responsibilities, and whether we have depression, or cancer, or multiple sclerosis, we have obligations, to others, and to ourselves. Nothing humbles me more than hearing a story of someone who has over-come terrible obstacles in life and still carries on.
Now, that’s easy to say, but hard to do. Sometimes we cut ourselves too much slack for our handicap. Sometimes we use it as an excuse. Or we give it more power than we should. There are times when I am incapable of doing certain things, and then there are times when I use my disorder as a crutch, as a way to get out of doing something I don’t want to do. (It’s not always easy to tell the difference.)
When you realize that nothing (ultimately) matters it’s easier to get out of bed, odd as that may sound. Nobody has the right to judge you. You don’t even have the right to judge you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. But don’t be too easy on yourself either.
Sorry for the long message. I hope some of it helps in some small way. I think ultimately what I’m trying to say is that there are times when we can resist it and rise above it, and there are times when the current is too strong and we can’t fight it. The trick is knowing when to wallow and when to “pull ourselves up by the bootstraps.”
Be well. I have limited access to the Internet these days, but I am always here if you need to “talk.” Please don’t do anything rash. Reach out to me or to anyone else out there. While the world can seem like a miserable place at times, I have been astounded by the number of people out there who struggle as we do, who care, and who are willing to help in whatever way they can.
Marco
I’ve had two major clinically depressed episodes in my life with ongoing bouts of melancholy … I’ve come to terms with the fact that that’s just the way of things for me but I can’t help thinking that I’ve just not read up on the right *cure* yet. The first time when I was 18, I came through it with pills and a large group of new friends – it took 6 months. The last time, was three years ago (after a nasty divorce) and the pills (I took a variety) certainly DID NOT WORK and after 6 months they made my depression spiral downwards until something had to give.
I then had 6 weeks off work and started having weekly sessions with a clinical pyschologist. I would say that it took another year or so to feel normal again and now my search for a *cure* comes in the form of psychology and philosophy books. I still haven’t found it. Exercise and meditation play their part but when you’re on the downward trend of melancholy it’s tiring to even think of doing those things.
When you’re exhausted of trying, the pills seem like the magic fix … but believe me … they make things 10 times worse!
PS. I’ve just discovered this blog Marco and it’s been really great to read. It’s good to feel like you’re not alone 🙂
Thanks for reading and for sharing your story.
I haven’t been very successful at treating my disorders with natural methods, but I agree that pills only make things worse.
So, I will keep on trying to navigate life holistically. But you’re also right about the other things.
When I’m “down”, the last thing I want to do is get out of bed, never mind exercise.
Be well, Marco
Enternal Love:Grab hold of the utmost love, gaze upos its eternaty. Passionate images enclose you in a dream. Chosing illusion over reality. Dreams over life. Pleasure over freedom. Your desires take hold where you’re sheltered. Only to get a glimps of a healing wish. Leavinf unheard echoes behind. Waiting for the miracle that will embrace your soul. You’re touched by the unblemished angel. Your ambitious heart is betrayed, lost and wretched. Invisible to the eye, controling over your mind, Precious memories will stay at ease. Intertwined into a collapsed promise. Only to remember your unconditional detemination. So the fragile body has warmth.
Just thought I’s share. This is my opinion on what its like with a mental disorder. Thanks for sharing your blog entry with me.
http://forbiddenregrets.blogspot.com/
-Real Diary of my life with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorders. There’s two worlds, ours…then thiers. I’m tired of hiding the dark side.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for reading mine.
You’re right, there are TWO worlds. I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
Other’s may imagine and empathize about what we endure, but most will never really know.
Be Well, Marco
I’m glad you’re back, and yes, I missed you.
Love,
SB