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Posts Tagged ‘True Confessions’

Lush LifeHe had no particular talent or skill, or what was worse, he had a little talent, some skill: playing the lead in a basement-theater production of “The Dybbuk” sponsored by 88 Forsyth House two years ago, his third small role since college, having a short story published in a now-defunct Alphabet City literary rag last year, his fourth in a decade, neither accomplishment leading to anything; and this unsatisfied yearning for validation was starting to make it near impossible for him to sit through a movie or read a book or even case out a new restaurant, all pulled off increasingly by those his age or younger, without wanting to run face-first into a wall.” “Lush Life” by Richard Price.

Nothing can ruin your day quite like turning on the television and seeing Meredith Vieira interviewing a friend of yours. But there I was, standing in the kitchen, hair still matted from sleep, eyes still waiting for that first cup of coffee before being truly able to focus, and a fresh bowl of Kashi GOLEAN Crunch cereal swimming in two percent milk, when Romi, looking every bit like a celebrity, pauses for a brief moment before answering one of Meredith’s questions.

True Confession: This person is really more of an acquaintance than a friend, but that distinction is further lost on me as I watch her interact with Hoda & Kathie Lee a few days later.

After the segment ends, glutton for punishment that I am, I turn off the TV, turn on the Mac, and Google my friends’ name. The result: page after page, link after link of websites, blogs, newspapers and podcasts, all about said acquaintance and her recent book tour. As I perused the websites, read the blogs and scanned the book reviews, I have to admit that I was genuinely happy for her.

But I know how the mind works. Our subconscious isn’t sub for nothing. While I sensed no obvious feelings of jealousy, never having been a person motivated by fame or fortune, there was, there had to be some underlying feeling of…what?

Can a person observe someone else’s success without being reminded of their own failure?

As a person who struggles with bipolar disorder, I find the concept of success elusive. The “manic” me applies to grad school without giving it a second thought. The “depressed” me is the one who actually has to show up for class and hand in assignments. No matter what I do, it never seems like it’s enough. “Manic” me builds sand castles not far enough from the shore and “depressed” me is left with the impossible task of fending off high tide.

True Mom ConfessionsTrue Confession: While it’s true that I have no desire to be famous, I do have to admit that, even though its not a motivating factor, I wouldn’t mind being rich.

We live in a competitive world where everything is constantly being measured and judged: the top ten…the six most…the world’s best…the biggest…the fastest…the cheapest…and on and on. If we are not the best or the fittest or the smartest, what are we? And while we can celebrate another’s success, congratulate them on a job well done, and really truly be happy for them, isn’t there something, somewhere, in the deepest recesses of our minds that leaves behind a residue that reads, “I’m not worthy,” that makes it just that much more difficult to extend the effort?

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